your monkey called

A Helpful Comparison

Tue, 21 May 2013 17:00:11 -0700

After I read the news of Yahoo!’s massive Tumblr acquisition, I had trouble wrapping my head around what a massive amount of money a billion dollars is, so I came up with this:

Picture an area the size of Rhode Island. Now picture, inside that, a football field full of Statues of Liberty. Stretching to the moon and back. A blue whale. Now picture a billion dollars.

Here’s what I’ve got so far.

Tue, 21 May 2013 16:34:18 -0700

Here’s what I’ve got so far.

“So Greg, what do you do?” “Oh, I make novelty sunglasses.”...

Fri, 17 May 2013 14:18:17 -0700

“So Greg, what do you do?”
“Oh, I make novelty sunglasses.”
“Fun! Like what?”
*puts on tit shades*
“…Oh”

Nena : “99 Luftballons” The first 45 I bought with my own...

Thu, 16 May 2013 16:17:00 -0700

Nena : “99 Luftballons”

The first 45 I bought with my own money. It—like everything from 1983—is about nuclear war. Because we almost had one! In 1983! So weird!

Also, every time I hear a person speaking German, I start to wonder when they’ll finally get around to saying “Captain Kirk.” Thanks for that, Nena.

Also also, check out those jeans! Ja ja!

Pretty tired, y'all…

Wed, 15 May 2013 16:31:51 -0700

…I’m still recovering from yesterday’s Vampire Weekend Album Release Day!

In case you don’t celebrate it (yeah, right!) it’s basically my people’s version of Cinco de Mayo. We go BIG!

I celebrated in the traditional manner: grabbed my coolest cardigan out of its dry cleaning bag, snagged a primo Zipcar and drove around town with the new album jammin’ (at a reasonable volume—Dr. Oz recommends under 80 dB).

Next stop: the bar, to meet up with m’bros for some artisanal whiskey and almost-dancing. And whoa, we got our DRINK ON—responsibly!

Woke up this morning and while dropping my kids off at school I gave the customary ‘sup-style head nod to all the other dads still sportin’ hand stamps from the bar last night. Go handstamp dads! See you next VWARD!

My kids don’t have one of these imperialist maps that make the...

Mon, 13 May 2013 14:40:00 -0700

My kids don’t have one of these imperialist maps that make the US and Europe seem larger and more important than they are.

On the world map at our house, the United States isn’t even pictured—ours shows just half of Australia and Shirley MacLaine’s face cut out of a magazine and taped to a custard donut.

Head to my Etsy shop if you want one of my world maps (note: still working on an odor-free version).

"Robert Pollard is a cum engine."

Sat, 11 May 2013 16:22:00 -0700

“Robert Pollard is a cum engine.”

- Andrew W.K.

hodgman: David Rees and I have a Captain and Tennille tribute...

Thu, 09 May 2013 19:52:57 -0700

hodgman:

David Rees and I have a Captain and Tennille tribute band.

HANDSOME.

"They promised us life in space, flying cars, and jetpacks but all we got were pocket-sized..."

Thu, 09 May 2013 17:11:01 -0700

“They promised us life in space, flying cars, and jetpacks but all we got were pocket-sized rectangles containing all human knowledge. FAIL.”

- Jason Kottke

Next Friday! Fun Show / Party = Sharty! You should come huh!...

Tue, 07 May 2013 17:01:00 -0700

Next Friday! Fun Show / Party = Sharty!

You should come huh! (It’s a small venue; I recommend calling to reserve a space.)

Killer poster and website by Brad / Jessie / Patrick. Thanks nerds!

At the coffee shop,

Tue, 07 May 2013 14:32:12 -0700

a nice lady adding milk to her coffee handed me a lid for my cup. It was the wrong size but I pretended that it fit fine. As soon as I got outside, I threw the lid away, looked back and saw her watching me with a totally reasonable mix of confusion + hate.

My Million-Dollar Problem

Mon, 06 May 2013 15:00:50 -0700

A few years ago I gave my son a million-dollar bill. I bought it from the back of a comic book sometime in the 80’s, and I thought he would get a kick out of it. To my surprise, he got way too much of a kick out of it: he believed it was a real, actual $1,000,000.

And because I’m a bad dad, I went along with it. “They made these up until about 1900, and then they stopped,” I said, “which is why you probably won’t see any others around.”

It was fun to keep up the lie—he even taught himself math to calculate the spending power of his new wealth. “Dad, I can buy 20 nice cars or 10 SUPER nice cars,” he’d say, and I would nod, unsure how to curb his Leno-like desires.

It’s been 3 years and he still thinks he’s got about $999,970 more than the rest of his second grade pals. Sometimes he mentions it to other kids, and not in the nicest way. More in a “one day I’m going to own you” way. None of his fantasies include charity.

So here’s my problem: how do I tell him the truth without breaking his heart or demonstrating that his dad is a total dick? (He’ll learn that eventually, but I still want a few more years.)

Obviously, I can’t just tell him the truth. Not my style. Another no-no: have the bill disappear one night. He would be crushed.

A better idea: find a sympathetic bank teller who would be willing act as an accomplice. I’d take the boy and his bill to the bank to open his very own account. The teller would let my son know that the bill’s not actually valid anymore, but it is still worth $100. Then we’d use the money to open a savings account for him.

That plan is OK but has a big flaw: it extends the lie. At some point in college he’ll spend hours telling a cute girl that yes, he did have a real million dollar bill and yes, a bank accepted it. Then she’ll think he’s a doofus. I don’t want to be responsible for him not getting laid.

The Solution

My comedian pal Juan figured it out:

I’ll receive a BILLION dollar bill as a gift. I’m really excited about it, and show it off to everybody. Meanwhile, our neighbor leans over to my son and, just to him, says, “Ha! Billion dollar bill. Obviously it’s fake. They never made billion dollar bills, or even million dollar bills.” My son, let in on the joke but thinking I’m the fool, will play along as if he’s always known that million dollar bills aren’t real. He’ll learn the truth, and won’t see me as a liar but just as a big dummy. Which, of course, I am.

The people who invent our favorite web things are so often the...

Thu, 02 May 2013 18:30:56 -0700

The people who invent our favorite web things are so often the crappiest users of those things.

If you squint at dudes like this it’s possible to imagine...

Thu, 02 May 2013 15:57:58 -0700

If you squint at dudes like this it’s possible to imagine they’re actually regular sized guys with 10-15 babies clinging onto them.

Super tan, oily babies, I guess.

Workin’ on my latte art!

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 11:54:00 -0700

Workin’ on my latte art!

Omar cuttin’!

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 19:16:26 -0700

Omar cuttin’!

Feel like I peaked on Vine with this one—lost my...

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 00:06:00 -0700

Feel like I peaked on Vine with this one—lost my “edge” ever since.

I really like these Daily Metaltations from Steve Powers. (via...

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 23:11:15 -0700

I really like these Daily Metaltations from Steve Powers.

(via World’s Best Ever)

You Are Boring

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 15:45:00 -0800

Here’s the full text of a piece I wrote for The Magazine a few months ago. I really enjoyed writing it, and would like to thank Marco once again for publishing it there. If you haven’t checked out The Magazine yet, you should. Anyway, here’s why you’re a total snooze:

Everything was going great until you showed up. You see me across the crowded room, make your way over, and start talking at me. And you don’t stop.

You are a Democrat, an outspoken atheist, and a foodie. You like to say “Science!” in a weird, self-congratulatory way. You wear jeans during the day, and fancy jeans at night. You listen to music featuring wispy lady vocals and electronic bloop-bloops.

You really like coffee, except for Starbucks, which is the worst. No wait—Coke is the worst! Unless it’s Mexican Coke, in which case it’s the best.

Pixar. Kitty cats. Uniqlo. Bourbon. Steel-cut oats. Comic books. Obama. Fancy burgers.

You listen to the same five podcasts and read the same seven blogs as all your pals. You stay up late on Twitter making hashtagged jokes about the event that everyone has decided will be the event about which everyone jokes today. You love to send withering @ messages to people like Rush Limbaugh—of course, those notes are not meant for their ostensible recipients, but for your friends, who will chuckle and retweet your savage wit.

You are boring. So, so boring.

Don’t take it too hard. We’re all boring. At best, we’re recovering bores. Each day offers a hundred ways for us to bore the crap out of the folks with whom we live, work, and drink. And on the internet, you’re able to bore thousands of people at once.¹

A few years ago, I had a job that involved listening to a ton of podcasts. It’s possible that I’ve heard more podcasts than anyone else—I listened to at least a little bit of tens of thousands of shows. Of course, the vast majority were so bad I’d often wish microphones could be sold only to licensed users. But I did learn how to tell very quickly whether someone was interesting or not.

The people who were interesting told good stories. They were also inquisitive: willing to work to expand their social and intellectual range. Most important, interesting people were also the best listeners. They knew when to ask questions. This was the set of people whose shows I would subscribe to, whose writing I would seek out, and whose friendship I would crave. In other words, those people were the opposite of boring.

Here are the three things they taught me.

Listen, then ask a question

I call it Amtrak Smoking Car Syndrome (because I am old, used to smoke, thought that trains were the best way to get around the country, and don’t really understand what a syndrome is). I’d be down in the smoking car, listening to two people have a conversation that went like this:

Stranger #1: Thing about my life.
Stranger #2: Thing about my life that is somewhat related to what you just said.
Stranger #1: Thing about my life that is somewhat related to what you just said.
Stranger#2: Thing about my life…

Next stop: Boringsville, Population: 2. There’s no better way to be seen as a blowhard than to constantly blow, hard. Instead, give a conversation some air. Really listen. Ask questions; the person you’re speaking with will respect your inquisitiveness and become more interested in the exchange. “Asking questions makes people feel valued,” says former Virgin America VP Porter Gale, “and they transfer that value over to liking you more.”

Watch an old episode of The Dick Cavett Show. Cavett is an engaged listener, very much part of the conversation, but he also allows his partner to talk as well. He’s not afraid to ask questions that reveal his ignorance, but it’s also clear he’s no dummy.²

Online, put this technique to use by pausing before you post. Why are you adding that link to Facebook? Will it be valuable to the many people who will see it? Or are you just flashing a Prius-shaped gang sign to your pals? If it’s the latter, keep it to yourself.

Tell a story

Shitty pictures of your food are all over the internet. Sites like Instagram are loaded with photo after photo of lumpy goo. What you’re trying to share is the joy you feel when the waiter delivers that beautifully plated pork chop. But your photo doesn’t tell the story of that experience. Your photo rips away the delicious smell, the beautiful room, the anticipation of eating, and the presence of people you love.

Instead, think of your photo as a story. When people tell stories, they think about how to communicate the entirety of their experience to someone else. They set the stage, introduce characters, and give us a reason to care. Of course, that’s hard to do in a single photo, but if you think in terms of story, could you find a better way to communicate your experience? How about a picture of the menu, or of your smiling dinner companions? Anything’s better than the greasy puddles you have decided any human with access to the internet should be able to see.

Expand your circles

Several years ago, my wife and I went on a long trip. We had saved a little money, and the places we were staying were cheap, so we could afford private rooms in every city but one. Guess where we made the most friends? In Budapest, where we were jammed into a big room with a bunch of folks, we were forced into situations we never would have sought out. I wouldn’t have met Goran, the Marilyn Manson superfan who was fleeing the NATO bombing of Belgrade on a fake Portuguese visa. Or Kurt, the Dutch hippie who let us crash on his floor in Amsterdam. Stepping out of your social comfort zone can be painful, but it’s one of the most rewarding things you can do.³

As you widen your social circle, work on your intellectual one as well. Expose yourself to new writers. Hit the Random Article button on Wikipedia. Investigate the bromides your friends chuck around Twitter like frisbees.

When you expand your social and intellectual range, you become more interesting. You’re able to make connections that others don’t see. You’re like a hunter, bringing a fresh supply of ideas and stories back to share with your friends.

The Big Bore lurks inside us all. It’s dying to be set loose to lecture on Quentin Tarantino or what makes good ice cream. Fight it! Fight the urge to speak without listening, to tell a bad story, to stay inside your comfortable nest of back-patting pals. As you move away from boring, you will never be bored.

Lots of books exist because of how boring you have made the internet. Books like The Information Diet focus on the consumption side of things: how are we, your readers and friends, supposed to deal with the junk you keep sending us? Instead, I’d like to look at the supply side: if you were more interesting, then there would be less junk out there that we would have to deal with. ↩
You don’t have to go back to the ’70s to find good listeners. My friend Jesse Thorn is a great interviewer who also listens in an engaged way. Check out his show, Bullseye. Or if you’d like to shoot for something a bit more academic, BBC’s In Our Time features great conversation led by another master, Melvyn Bragg. ↩
These folks make a great case for the potentially life-changing value of meeting new people: Nassim Taleb’s The Black Swan, and the previously-cited Porter Gale’s “Conversations with 4C.” ↩

SXSponsors Starting to rethink my decision to make this the year...

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 15:37:44 -0800

SXSponsors

Starting to rethink my decision to make this the year I’m going back to South by Southwest.