April 17th, 2009

Scott Simpson Identification: A Field Guide

A Scott Simpson is not a particularly valuable item; it would, for example, not sell for very much on eBay. Oddly, that hasn’t stopped criminals from producing literally billions of fake Scott Simpsons. The market is flooded with counterfeits. This brief guide should serve as a handy reference if you ever have to determine a Scott Simpson’s authenticity.


The original Scott Simpson, manufactured over 30 years ago, has ten fingers, ten toes, two eyes, a single, four-chambered heart, etc. Unfortunately these characteristics do not provide an effective means of authentication, as most counterfeits also have the same number of fingers, toes, etc. Most fakes also effectively mimic hair placement, facial symmetry, and basic movement. Skin color and height provide an opportunity to root out the more obvious copies: an original Scott Simpson is tall but not imposing, with a pale, nearly sickly cast to the skin.

Obvious Fakes


As with appearance, master criminals have effectively engineered copies that exhibit similar responses to basic stimuli. While it may be enjoyable to test the subject’s tolerance to heat, noise, or hunger, reactions will not vary between the real item and a fake one.

Cleverer Counterfeits

However, certain specific stimuli should prove effective as positive identifiers. An item is considered a genuine Scott Simpson if 3 or more of the following 5 conditions are met.

  • Scott Simpson is the only person who has ever cried while watching the cheap Travolta vehicle Phenomenon; most counterfeits will probably not even be able to make it through the first 20 minutes.
  • Casually say something incorrect about Kierkegaard. The subject will initially pretend not to notice, but 15 minutes later he will politely work a correction into a separate conversation.
  • The subject will profess deep interest in music; however, his list of favorite artists will exactly match that month’s Banana Republic in-store playlist.
  • A former hypochondriac, the subject will attempt to diagnose your condition if you present him with a vague list of nervous symptoms.
  • Even at gunpoint, the authentic Scott Simpson will not be able to iron the wrinkles out of this goddamn shirt.

This brief field guide should not be considered definitive. For a full profile, including DNA analysis, please see Comprehensive Scott Simpson Authentication: Issues in Practice and Theory IV (Hoytt & Sons: 1992).

  1. yourmonkeycalled posted this