your monkey called

HELP ME FIND THIS MAN

Yesterday I received a ticket in the mail from the police. They’re asking for a whopping $476, claiming that I ran a red light. Included with the ticket was a photograph taken by one of those automated intersection cameras. They had one thing right: it was definitely my car, making a right turn two seconds too late.

But folks, I have no idea who the driver is. It obviously isn’t me. From the imbecilic gape of his mouth to the drugged, drooped eyes, nothing about him is recognizable. The oddly sized ears, the thick-then-sparse eyebrows—I can promise you that I’ve never met someone this goofy-looking. (That said, the boldly colored cardigan is an inspired choice.)

The best explanation I can come up with is that someone stole my car while I was volunteering at the food bank or making delightful craft projects with my children. 

If you know this man, please contact me. I’d like to give him a piece of my mind.