June 3rd, 2014

Never check your phone while you’re dreaming…

May 24th, 2014

My Theme Song

I wrote a theme song for myself, for use in any typical theme song situation: when I’m walking on stage, or if I’m on a podcast, or if I’m hiding in my car from my family. Etc.

Hope you enjoy it!

May 21st, 2014

Whoa I think I found a typo on one of those new Oprah Starbucks coffee sleeves

April 25th, 2014

I’d love to read a book at a bar but every time I see someone doing that I’m like FUCK YOU NERD

April 19th, 2014

Salt Lake City Bar Conversation

Him: I hate it here.
Me: why don't you leave?
Him: Because I love it here.
April 15th, 2014
Now that we’ve established that poetry is work, let’s move on to questions of productivity. How much should a poet produce, ideally? As much as one half-assed garden, planted by a person with a drinking problem, who did not read the directions on the seed-packets very closely. Elizabeth Bishop only ever wrote one poem, a villanelle about an elk breaking up with her (“The Elk Breaks Up with Me”), and if I may say so she did very well with it. Wallace Stevens only wrote five poems, and every one of them was insured for one million dollars, like a famous pair of legs. The greatest living poet, Nicolas Cage, continues to amaze us by never having written a poem at all.
Patricia Lockwood is my hero.
January 14th, 2014

Hi please put this on my tombstone because nothing sums up my era, spirit, and sweet sweet style better than this.

January 9th, 2014

I think this San Francisco show in 2 weeks is going to be really fun. There’s a good chance I will be wearing a tuxedo.

December 28th, 2013
Black is the color of coal, ebony, and of outer space.
The first sentence of the Wikipedia article for “Black”
December 25th, 2013

Christmas Movies are Dumb

Yesterday I tweeted

Michael Delaporta responded:

I wondered what other folks could come up with, so I asked, and made it a contest. I received a bunch of responses. They were all delightful, but here are my favorites:

Pretty Good

A solid, simple suggestion:


A sinister edge:

Best title:

The simplest and best of the punny submissions:


November 24th, 2013
John Roderick, the handsomest ukulelist.

John Roderick, the handsomest ukulelist.