March 2009
33 posts
“Feed me, Jackass. Feed me right now or I’m going to go lick my genitals and then...”
– Sam’s Dog Can Talk
People Who Sit In The Disability Seats When I’m... →
(via Jon Foreman)
“When I got back to Milwaukee, Mama and the street, my mind was straightjacketed...”
– Iceberg Slim, from Pimp Ch. 4: “A Degree in Pimping”
Giving Up the Trade
My brother is a shoe store DJ. My father is a shoe store DJ. My grandfather was a shoe store DJ. The day I left the trade, some in my family cursed me. But now I’m having the last laugh.
I went down to the union hall (Local #1215) yesterday, where my father and brother shoot pool and wait—in vain—for work.
“I knew there was trouble when Adidas laid off their daytime DJ,”...
Last Bullet
“Some tribe in the future, far in the future, might find a pistol, perhaps the world’s last pistol, and one hundred rounds of ammunition. The priests of that tribe, in tribute to the unknown, might invent a holiday and fire one bullet each year as a link to the unknown. After ninety years, it isn’t difficult to imagine that a new bull might be put forth that shots were to be...
Mom: Does Martha Stewart have cats?
Me: I don't know. I don't think so.
Mom: She was in my dream last night. Huge cats.
Japanese astronaut takes censored photographs to... →
“Before going up into space, he asked his hometown to provide him with something to take into space. They gave him a DVD containing the photographs of every student at the city’s elementary and junior high schools. However, Wakata will be unable to see the faces of the children because they have been censored as a privacy protection measure.”
So stupid. So, so, so stupid....
2008 Simpsons Linguistics Jokes, Collected →
A massive list of entries like this one:
Bahuvrihi participles, adjectival -ed, be-prefixation:
Homer: “What childbirth is to women, eating trunk meats is to the bewangèd.”
(via Mr. Verb)
Best iPhone App Ever? →
“For years I have been perfecting my algorithms. At last, you can enjoy the musical fruits of my labor.”
Why Does "Dream" = "Ideal"?
I’m always puzzled when people refer to their “dream girl,” or their “dream house,” when they’re talking about their ultimate ideal. Why is the word “dream” synonymous with “ideal”? My nighttime dreams never reflect what I really want. For example:
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On my ideal date, a pretty lady laughs at my jokes over a delicious meal. We end...
Disclaimer (Ignore)
This is just a brief disclaimer for a few probably-upcoming posts about money:
I don’t know anything about money, especially about what may happen with the stock market, its sectors, or individual stocks. Please don’t interpret anything I say as specific financial advice. Before you do anything with your own money, seek actual professional advice. Before investing your money, always...
What's that feeling
that is the opposite of “turned on,” but you still get a boner?
My friend was wondering. Thanks in advance.
I don't want to be rich,
but if I have to be rich in order to build a secret oak-paneled downtown library where my pals and I can eat chicken salad sandwiches, drink whiskey, and make poop jokes, then fine, I will get rich.
“It’s March 1st Day, a worldwide holiday celebrating the first day of...”
– UNREMITTING FAILURE: Well It’s March 1st