May 2008
142 posts
“When you finish your twentieth consecutive year at Deagan, they throw you a...”
– Miranda July : “The Sister”
WatchNaked Babies and Jordan_Morris: “Who Are You in Sex and the City?”
(via)
Sawyer's Nicknames for Others, Selected
“Hurley: … Gumby, Chicken Little, Deepdish, Ese, Grape Ape, Grimace, Hammo, Hero, Hoss, Hulk, International House of Pancakes, Jabba …”
Merlin offers many more, here.
B-Minus Ohio-originated Sexual Practices
The Akron Ankle Salute
The Rocky River Rocky River
The Sandusky Pant-Wagon
B-Minus Porn Sites
OatmealAddicts.com
NPRCorrespondentWebcams.com
HandjobsfortheHomeless.org.
“My own Senior Prom was theme-less and held on a boat on Lake Union in Seattle....”
– Carrie Brownstein on Prom
That’s it: I’m calling you all “Kenny Rogers” tomorrow.
steam : punk :: Scarlett Johansson : Tom Waits
Found an old notebook. Written inside, “Key Stakeholders?: gantt chart.” HAHAHAHHA I ESCAPED. HOPEFULLY.
Ted Kooser : "A Mouse in a Trap" →
A tiny wood raft was afloat on the cold gray sea of the cellar floor, and to it a dead mouse clung, trailing its legs and tail, the ship of the rest of its life swallowed up without leaving so much as a ripple. I felt the firm deck of the day tilt just a little, as if all of us living, surviving, had rushed to one side to look down.
Dammit. Now everybody’s gonna think that my viral video, comprised exclusively of clips from old Weezer videos, is meant ironically.
“[I]t’s like what I always argued about Pop art, how people who saw its upsurge...”
– Robert Irwin in VQR
Look, I’m a normal guy. I put my pants on one cock at a time, just like … what? No … you … what? Huh. OK, nevermind.
I hate chess, but I love castling. I hate checkers, but I love kinging. I hate frisbee, but I love kicking you in the nuts.
New career: scam caricaturist. Start with a Xerox of a big head with buck teeth, then draw their hair on top and (if necessary) glasses.
UPDATE: David points out this may actually be a real thing.
Oh geez. The expensive earbuds were in my travel tracksuit all along. American Airlines, I shall terminate litigation forthwith.
from "Where Else Can You Go" →
Why did I come here, what did I really need? I am lonely and it is raining. I am tired of flossing. I want to wander these cluttered aisles till what brought me here slides off into shoe boxes and dish drainers into stale bags of caramel corn and circus peanuts, into disposable lighters and sugar-free gum. I want to be emptied emptied of it all, I want to pass through the checkout counter past...
“SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT. UP.” Anyone know where I can get a “World’s 323,932,843rd Best Dad” coffee mug?
Whence the archaic syntax in re: “shitting not” thine bro?
You can’t get a simple cotton sweatshirt at Target. Everything is all technical douchemesh nanofuck wickingfibre creampie Wooltex®.
Worst thing about potty training: putting your kid within licking distance of toilets you, as a man, thanked Jesus you never had to use.
WatchThe Fishstick @ My House There are still tickets left for my live performance of the fishstick. Lots of tickets.
WatchThe Sandwich’s Fishstick video is magic.
At the bar solo, trying to look comfortable, just realized I’ve been flying a baby’s bib from my back pocket all night.
I always get “busting a nut” mixed up with “popping a cap.” Aaanyway, my wife is dead.
New curse: “May Ry Cooder discover your people’s traditional music.”
“Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorj gorj gorj. Gorj gorj. Gorj.”
– Oprah. Or me. I think it was Oprah though.
My hatred of Oprah, like my hatred of college sports, used to be inchoate and tough to articulate. Now one merely needs to watch her show.
“We do not support Oprah nudging women into anxiety and malnourishment while her...”
– Scanner Oprah is the worst. worst worst worst.
My son had a dream that “Dr. Seuss” cut off his penis. Cancel the paternity test, Maury: this one’s definitely mine.
According to the Jelly Bellies package, pineapple plus cinnamon, eaten together, tastes exactly like the inexorable decline of our culture.
You’re not allowed to be the person who only eats red and orange jelly beans. It skews the ratio for the rest of us.
Sign o’ the Times: Los Altos homeless rate appears to be up 100% this year, to 2.
Synth strings in hip-hop have reached epidemic levels. We need to find Patient 0 and contain this thing. Sterilize your pimp cup.
Despite my rich baritone and eminent heterosexuality, I always want to sing the lady’s part in a duet. Eminent. E-M-I-N-E-N-T.