May 2008
142 posts
After Beanie Babies, only computer books are a worse investment.
I thought “Radar” would be like methadone for my “UsWeekly”-addicted wife. Nope—the issues pile up, unread.
April 2008
137 posts
I talk to myself in the style of a professional wrestler every time I take out the trash.
Business Idea: Highbrow massage parlor where patrons can request a Sopranos-style “ambiguous ending.”
Update: I just thought of the name: “Members Only.”
“Am I being a J-E-R-K, Dad?” OH SHIT THEY LEARN TO SPELL.
1. “I will do anything you want.” 2. “As long as you respect me.” I’m no expert, Aretha, but I think #2 might not logically follow from #1.
Current nicknames for my family members: “Goofy,” “Special,” “Super.” Used interchangeably. Where do these come from?
“See, in recent years I’ve begun to wonder if it’s really such a good...”
– John Moe : Seattle Breakup Letter
Just pretended to be an audio engineer. I twiddled some knobs and followed Dan Kennedy’s advice: BE QUIET AND KEEP YOUR GLASSES ON.
My coworker’s dog is still looking great. I guess it’s true what they say: 7 is the new 5.
Falindrome #10: A-hah! A banana ban. Haha!
Oprah audiences didn’t used to applaud anything. In 2008 you get a standing ovation for refusing to poop on a baby.
“[The Japanese government] has instructed Ikea … to improve its product...”
– The Japan Times
Any specific diseases you can get by plunging your hands into the dark swirling waters of a public toilet? Just wonderin’.
I don’t know why I had a small hope that bob and bob, the Judaica store, would also sell magic tricks.
ROMANCE TIP: Women love honesty. Brutal, withering honesty.
God’s on vacation today: I just wrote “talking from a differentiation perspective” in an email, and I’m still alive.
“The music in your car always sounds like the soundtrack to a movie I don’t...”
– my wife
“No two words are more precious to a writer than ‘You’re free.’”
– Philip Roth
Freud’s actual theories have been largely discredited, but I think he might be the only one who can explain “Clifford, The Big Red Dog.”
Listening to MC NiceGuy’s “Yeah I’m Hard (But Not in That Way, No, I Mean ‘Tough’, Not Like I Have an Erection Oh Geez I’m Sorry, Really)”.
Nick Thune: Funny Man
A minute of gold, from six...
Favorite new Japanese term of the day: アルハラ (aruhara), from the English “ALcohol HARAssment”: to be overly coercive in your chug requests.
“How sad is it that, during the climatic end scene, I’m sitting there on my...”
– Matthew Baldwin on There Will Be Blood
If you do stand-up, and if you’re also a cannibal, I just thought of the perfect opener for your act.
Jogged past 1,000 snails reenacting the landing at Normandy. Since I saw them too late, I ended up playing the Giant Nazi Sneaker of Death.
ROMANCE TIP: Junk mail makes a fun gift: ladies love clipping coupons!
You dial 911 by mistake (9 to get out + 1 + oops). Do you: 1) Hang up. 2) Apologize. 3) Giggle like a little girl. Guess which one I did.
BA-da-Ba-da-dee-DOO da dee da BUCK HILL
Mortgage is the new marriage.
1 tag
I met a “Pennsylvanian” on the road to Town this morning. He was kind but full of False Pride & believes this Senator C— still has purchase.
