April 2008
137 posts
I should not have shared my “I am one of 1,000 survivors of the apocalypse” scenarios with my wife. She doesn’t believe I could be king.
Netflix Says They're Sorry
Remiel elegantly summarizes their mistake and the art of proactive apology.
“The average dentist will never truly be satisfied until you quit your job and...”
– John Moltz
I just wrote “the site enables inexpensive but robust white-label social sites” un-jokingly in an email, and I did not die. God must be off today.
March 2008
118 posts
“At home each sentence he would utter had first pleased the buyer who’d paid him off in butter. Each word had been tried over and over, at any rate, on the man who was sold by the man who filled my plate.” Anne Sexton : from And One For My Dame
Wow! What a magical place!
“Few lands fuse tradition with technology the way Japan does. Shinkansen bullet trains slice through the sacred shadow of Mt. Fuji. Buddhist temples stand minutes away from raucous karaoke bars.” Intro to NPR’s Only a Game segment on baseball in Japan. Transcribed here in case any other lazy, uncreative reporters need an intro to a piece on Japan. Anime? Otaku? Love hotels?...
We’re over our $100 per unit budget, but with your help we can still make One Fannypack Per Child (OFPC) a success.
At the park. Of course my son instantly found and befriended The Kid With The Nunchuks.
My brain has been coming up with new episodes of The Wire in my dreams. Spoiler alert: Season 6 is a real disappointment so far.
Today’s Logic Lesson: I just put Baby in a corner. Ergo, I am Nobody.
Lazy
I’m pretty happy with my muxtape-whatever-thing. There are good songs on there. I co-wrote four of them, played bass on two, and tried to secure an injunction to prevent the sale of another. Just kidding. But I did write “Redwood Tree”. Van Morrison stole it from me, over 32 years before I wrote it!
Grammar Proposal
A mark to indicate that you know a phrase is a euphemism, but you’re using it literally. Suggested notation: ““ or -(“). Example: After -(“)dropping the kids off at the pool-(“), I “dropped the kids off at the pool”.
My barber is using my head to perfect a style she must be calling the “Dishonorable Discharge”.
“Condi Rice is the sort of person who would give head to a big dog.” That’s not my opinion; that’s my mnemonic story for remembering “類”.
“Don’t fake your way through the verses in an attempt to stay true to...”
– Your Shower
Positioning myself less as a person, more as a lifestyle / entertainment property with being human as my core product.
“During the Vietnam War, the A-Team’s commanding officer, Colonel Morrison,...”
– The “crime they didn’t commit”
Only Oliver Sacks or Jad Abumrad could explain why, twice a year and out of the blue, I desperately need to hear Genesis’ That’s All.
Litmus test for a new ringtone: it’s not too embarassing if it goes off in the men’s room. So you know: “Soul Glo”, from Coming to America, does not pass this test.
I thought she was talking about the Duchess. Imagine my relief when I learned it was the Black Eyed Pea!
Lynchland Episode 16 →
Taxidermic goat beatboxing, night donkeys, Dickensian praying mantises, and “those things on your head that you consider your face”. So good. So good. WATCH. WATCH. (iTunes podcast link)
Our CPA tells me that while college is not “mathematically impossible”, my kids might instead want to consider a circus apprenticeship.
“Did not intend to give you guilt. Luv, Mom”
– Postcards From Yo Momma
WatchIn 7 Seconds: History of Western Civilization
“Then there are the bands that, unfortunately, attract such a hipster fan base...”
– Save Me From Your Followers
WatchDelicious Snacks Distract Congressmen From Horrors Of War There’s no reason for me to link to the Onion because everything they do is funny and you, dear web-savvy fancypants reader, already know where to go to get it. This piece, however, is art.
“the modern day, low toner, version of the Labyrinth of Crete”
– Phillygirl, on the copy machine’s menu bar
My son just ate a Cadbury egg in under 45 seconds. It was like watching a python eat a field mouse. He didn’t even have to dislocate his jaw.
In this stage of life, “pulling the goalie” now refers to a kid’s first days sans diapers. Today: day 1. Pray for us.
Now that “JUICY” is no longer cool, I’m trying to edit the text scrawled on the ass of all my pants. Some ideas: “JUI€¥”, “JOIST”, “OUI.OY”.
“I walk like a million, talk like a billion, if Fresh was a house I’d probably be the ceiling” —Mali Boi, Chicken Soup for the Pimp’s Soul
Remind me again why I made two people?
Vagina Prologue
Noun (slang): Lengthy justification many dudes compulsively insert before discussing something they saw in Us Weekly. Ex.: “I was scything my lawn and accidentally chopped off my foot. Of course I refused anesthesia so they had me bite down on an Us Weekly. OMIGOD BRITNEY!”
Really? I am a “ROCK STAR” for answering your email in a timely manner? The mustache of hyperbole flourishes in the modern American office.
The kid is cute; the father is ugly. I always forget: is it the cosine or the sine that allows you to solve for whether the mom is hot?