February 2012
1 post
My Five Favorite Episodes of "The Big Bang Theory"
(Note: I have never seen “The Big Bang Theory.”)
The one where Big Bang and Duckie accidentally reinvent cheese.
The one where they play laser tag for the whole episode.
The one where Big Bang and Oren (killer Kevin James guest spot) open an exotic meat store.
The one where Big Bang learns his dad is gay—and blind.
The one where Duckie falls in love with Katie Couric.
January 2012
3 posts
December 2011
1 post
New Diet
We give you a rabies shot and a PowerBar and drop you in the middle of the slums of Lagos.
If you make it home, you’ll definitely be several pounds lighter. Even better: you won’t care about meaningless shit like dieting anymore.
November 2011
1 post
Artists Featured on the Next Quentin Tarantino...
Shumka is the best. My 2 favorites:
Smug Chuggley and the Analog Snobs
If Dracula Had a Band
Read the full list.
October 2011
1 post
September 2011
11 posts
“I have married broken spoke charging smoke wheels
Spit and swallowed opioids”
– I like the new Wilco song as much as the next plaid-wearing 401(k) holder, but this could have come from a javascript Jeff Tweedy lyrics generator.
As your
unleashed pit bull approached my children, you said:
“Don’t worry, she’s friendly!”
But I heard:
“Hello, I am a stranger! There is my biting machine! Which I choose not to control!”
1 tag
Comme de longs échos qui de loin se confondent
What ho, look at this! My pal luckyshirt also recently went gaga over checks:
luckyshirt:
Dear person writing a check for your groceries:
…
I understand that there are outlaws about, and that carrying your fucking gold bullion around is a terrible idea, but check this shit out: we have these little plastic bits of sorcery called “debit cards”.
…
And don’t you worry your solid...
Oh sorry,
I should have pointed out, in case you weren’t aware, that “checks” are pieces of paper that old people use to promise money to each other.
August 2011
6 posts
The Past 24 Hours of Twitter, Condensed
Person 1: “S&P, what a bunch of idiots!” Person 2: “Congress, what a bunch of idiots!” Person 3: “Wall Street, what a bunch of evil idiots!” Person 4: “My vagina smells like raisins!”
Obviously my heart belongs to Person 4.
July 2011
2 posts
WatchThis video just became my spirit animal.
The highest form of respect I can pay to some language or phrase that I love—in this case it’s a pure nonsense jubilee—is to buy the domain name for it.
I am now the proud owner of TastesLikeDiamonds.com.
June 2011
6 posts
"Winning"
The Book Bench poemifies some Michele Bachmann lines:
“Winning”
Every time I’ve run for office, People have said, “She’ll never win.” Every time, we’ve been able to do it. My very first race was the school board. That one we didn’t win.
More here.
May 2011
5 posts
“A perfect joke for me is when 40% of the audience likes it. That way I know it...”
– Nick DiPaolo, in this piece about the Comedy Cellar
“…’Automatic for the People’ on the jukebox…”
– Deangelo Vickers
The Four Formal Proofs of the Existence of God
Cosmological
Ontological
Teleological
Sally Field’s belly button on July 9, 1975
April 2011
8 posts
fru-t:
3D :
“The glorious shitshow of the 20th century has barely started, and you’re already...”
– Lazy Self-Indulgent Book Reviews, on German Expressionism in the first part of last century. There’s more. It’s great.
Dating Tip
Ladies, never go out with a guy who knows the names of all the Disney princesses. It would be like that time Grand Vizier Jafar tries to to trick the Sultan into allowing him to marry Princess Jasmine, but all along he really just wants to kill her, and the whole time it’s really scary and you’re really worried about whether Aladdin will be able to rescue her.
Uh, yeah, so, you know....
Q: How many Cormac McCarthies does it take to...
A: Two or perhaps three, approaching now, from beyond the tree in the long low light of morning. From some black place: a reckoning neither required nor bidden, a reckoning no judge could have ordered, but a reckoning nonetheless. One of the men carries a single glove, ready to grip the hot, bright bulb and twist it dead. The other two follow, smoking, and whisper about what is to come: the...
March 2011
12 posts
