May 2012
7 posts
Even close loved ones will never understand… →
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal is pretty great today.
My Favorite Version
A couple of weeks ago, my...
April 2012
13 posts
At the coffee shop,
I was going to tell a lady that she looked a lot like Madeleine Albright. But then I realized that the only time it would be good to look like Madeleine Albright would be if you were, in fact, Madeleine Albright. Otherwise, yeesh. So I stayed quiet.
Pretty proud of myself.
Literalville
The Economist’s Johnson blog points out a cheap rhetorical trick used by both Rush Limbaugh and John Stewart (and me, when I’m fighting with my wife).
On Limbaugh:
He will refuse to consider pragmatic factors or otherwise treat human language the way most of us do most of the time. He is just too passionate about facts, literal meaning. No post-modern “everyone has their own...
Guru
When I want answers to life’s toughest questions, I ask my penis
A. Because it looks like an old man in a hut, and
B. Like all old wise men, his answer is silence, and
C. Boners.
“I stuck a Q-tip a little too far in my ear and then consumed the star-soul of...”
– Joshua Allen, whom I love.
2 tags
“How come more baseball players don’t just live in normal apartments,...”
– John Roderick
Squid Sigh
We released a new episode of You Look...
March 2012
10 posts
“Am I a closet censor, ready to suppress repugnant ideologies while trumpeting...”
– Ban This Book: An Uncensored Look At The Lorax And Other Dangerous Books
February 2012
6 posts
WatchNew Life Goal
I’m going to wait patiently until this Palm Springs street performer grows old and dies, then take over his act.
Not seen in video, but very much present throughout the performance: smoke machine.
Also note: my children appeared to like him much more than they like me.
We're taking a little family trip
to Palm Springs today, so let me know if you have any tips on what to do, or if you know how to leave your wife and children at the airport, rent a convertible, and find a hooker for a lost weekend of drugs and malicious sex. Or where to go for brunch.
If a squirrel
started chasing me, I wouldn’t climb a tree because have you seen squirrels climb trees? They’re amazing at it. Instead, I would probably run onto a yacht. I’ve never seen a squirrel on a yacht.
My Five Favorite Episodes of "The Big Bang Theory"
(Note: I have never seen “The Big Bang Theory.”)
The one where Big Bang and Duckie accidentally reinvent cheese.
The one where they play laser tag for the whole episode.
The one where Big Bang and Oren (killer Kevin James guest spot) open an exotic meat store.
The one where Big Bang learns his dad is gay—and blind.
The one where Duckie falls in love with Katie Couric.
January 2012
3 posts
December 2011
1 post
New Diet
We give you a rabies shot and a PowerBar and drop you in the middle of the slums of Lagos.
If you make it home, you’ll definitely be several pounds lighter. Even better: you won’t care about meaningless shit like dieting anymore.
November 2011
1 post
Artists Featured on the Next Quentin Tarantino...
Shumka is the best. My 2 favorites:
Smug Chuggley and the Analog Snobs
If Dracula Had a Band
Read the full list.
October 2011
1 post
September 2011
10 posts
“I have married broken spoke charging smoke wheels
Spit and swallowed opioids”
– I like the new Wilco song as much as the next plaid-wearing 401(k) holder, but this could have come from a javascript Jeff Tweedy lyrics generator.
WatchWALTMINKWALTMINKWALTMINK
If you went to college in Minnesota in the mid-90’s, you had lots of opportunities to coolly ignore Walt Mink whenever they played First Ave or one of the local colleges. At least that’s what I imagine everybody but me did, because no one I mentioned them to since that time has heard of them.
Until a couple months ago, when suddenly everybody is like...
As your
unleashed pit bull approached my children, you said:
“Don’t worry, she’s friendly!”
But I heard:
“Hello, I am a stranger! There is my biting machine! Which I choose not to control!”
1 tag
Comme de longs échos qui de loin se confondent
What ho, look at this! My pal luckyshirt also recently went gaga over checks:
luckyshirt:
Dear person writing a check for your groceries:
…
I understand that there are outlaws about, and that carrying your fucking gold bullion around is a terrible idea, but check this shit out: we have these little plastic bits of sorcery called “debit cards”.
…
And don’t you worry your solid...
Oh sorry,
I should have pointed out, in case you weren’t aware, that “checks” are pieces of paper that old people use to promise money to each other.
