May 2012
7 posts
May 18th
3 notes
May 16th
6 notes
Even close loved ones will never understand… →
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal is pretty great today.
May 16th
16 notes
May 16th
50 notes
ListenMy Favorite Version A couple of weeks ago, my...
May 15th
19 notes
May 9th
40 notes
May 7th
65 notes
April 2012
13 posts
Apr 19th
50 notes
Apr 15th
53 notes
Apr 13th
128 notes
Apr 11th
39 notes
Apr 11th
18 notes
At the coffee shop,
I was going to tell a lady that she looked a lot like Madeleine Albright. But then I realized that the only time it would be good to look like Madeleine Albright would be if you were, in fact, Madeleine Albright. Otherwise, yeesh. So I stayed quiet. Pretty proud of myself.
Apr 10th
32 notes
Apr 9th
119 notes
Literalville
The Economist’s Johnson blog points out a cheap rhetorical trick used by both Rush Limbaugh and John Stewart (and me, when I’m fighting with my wife). On Limbaugh: He will refuse to consider pragmatic factors or otherwise treat human language the way most of us do most of the time. He is just too passionate about facts, literal meaning. No post-modern “everyone has their own...
Apr 6th
17 notes
Guru
When I want answers to life’s toughest questions, I ask my penis A. Because it looks like an old man in a hut, and B. Like all old wise men, his answer is silence, and C. Boners.
Apr 6th
41 notes
“I stuck a Q-tip a little too far in my ear and then consumed the star-soul of...”
– Joshua Allen, whom I love.
Apr 5th
24 notes
2 tags
Apr 4th
58 notes
“How come more baseball players don’t just live in normal apartments,...”
– John Roderick
Apr 2nd
115 notes
ListenSquid Sigh We released a new episode of You Look...
Apr 2nd
67 notes
March 2012
10 posts
Mar 27th
23 notes
Mar 19th
10 notes
Mar 15th
66 notes
Mar 13th
9 notes
Mar 13th
29 notes
Mar 12th
33 notes
Mar 11th
165 notes
Mar 7th
121 notes
Mar 5th
69 notes
“Am I a closet censor, ready to suppress repugnant ideologies while trumpeting...”
– Ban This Book: An Uncensored Look At The Lorax And Other Dangerous Books
Mar 1st
8 notes
February 2012
6 posts
Feb 27th
76 notes
Feb 25th
50 notes
WatchWatch
New Life Goal I’m going to wait patiently until this Palm Springs street performer grows old and dies, then take over his act. Not seen in video, but very much present throughout the performance: smoke machine. Also note: my children appeared to like him much more than they like me.
Feb 24th
20 notes
We're taking a little family trip
to Palm Springs today, so let me know if you have any tips on what to do, or if you know how to leave your wife and children at the airport, rent a convertible, and find a hooker for a lost weekend of drugs and malicious sex. Or where to go for brunch.
Feb 23rd
38 notes
If a squirrel
started chasing me, I wouldn’t climb a tree because have you seen squirrels climb trees? They’re amazing at it. Instead, I would probably run onto a yacht. I’ve never seen a squirrel on a yacht.
Feb 21st
63 notes
My Five Favorite Episodes of "The Big Bang Theory"
(Note: I have never seen “The Big Bang Theory.”) The one where Big Bang and Duckie accidentally reinvent cheese. The one where they play laser tag for the whole episode. The one where Big Bang and Oren (killer Kevin James guest spot) open an exotic meat store. The one where Big Bang learns his dad is gay—and blind. The one where Duckie falls in love with Katie Couric.
Feb 4th
61 notes
January 2012
3 posts
Jan 30th
109 notes
Jan 16th
36 notes
Jan 14th
25 notes
December 2011
1 post
New Diet
We give you a rabies shot and a PowerBar and drop you in the middle of the slums of Lagos. If you make it home, you’ll definitely be several pounds lighter. Even better: you won’t care about meaningless shit like dieting anymore.
Dec 15th
43 notes
November 2011
1 post
Artists Featured on the Next Quentin Tarantino...
Shumka is the best. My 2 favorites: Smug Chuggley and the Analog Snobs If Dracula Had a Band Read the full list.
Nov 1st
215 notes
October 2011
1 post
Oct 11th
34 notes
September 2011
10 posts
Sep 23rd
95 notes
“I have married broken spoke charging smoke wheels Spit and swallowed opioids”
– I like the new Wilco song as much as the next plaid-wearing 401(k) holder, but this could have come from a javascript Jeff Tweedy lyrics generator.
Sep 16th
63 notes
Sep 7th
49 notes
WatchWatch
WALTMINKWALTMINKWALTMINK If you went to college in Minnesota in the mid-90’s, you had lots of opportunities to coolly ignore Walt Mink whenever they played First Ave or one of the local colleges. At least that’s what I imagine everybody but me did, because no one I mentioned them to since that time has heard of them.  Until a couple months ago, when suddenly everybody is like...
Sep 6th
3 notes
As your
unleashed pit bull approached my children, you said:  “Don’t worry, she’s friendly!” But I heard: “Hello, I am a stranger! There is my biting machine! Which I choose not to control!”
Sep 5th
82 notes
1 tag
Comme de longs échos qui de loin se confondent
What ho, look at this! My pal luckyshirt also recently went gaga over checks: luckyshirt: Dear person writing a check for your groceries: … I understand that there are outlaws about, and that carrying your fucking gold bullion around is a terrible idea, but check this shit out: we have these little plastic bits of sorcery called “debit cards”.  … And don’t you worry your solid...
Sep 2nd
503 notes
Oh sorry,
I should have pointed out, in case you weren’t aware, that “checks” are pieces of paper that old people use to promise money to each other.
Sep 2nd
34 notes
Sep 2nd
104 notes